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  • Susan Fletcher, Ph.D.

Top 5 Truths a Marital Therapist Might Not Tell You (or Will & Kate)

On a recent windy day here in Texas, my son Sam and my dog Sophie helped me reveal a few juicy things about marital therapy. In this video I reveal 5 tidbits that most marital therapists will never tell you.

There are tons of misconceptions about marital therapy. Many times people wait up 7 years to seek treatment for their issues and by then there is a lot of work to be done. Being in the Smart Zone means you are working to the best of your ability, emotionally, intellectually, and behaviorally. Even though marital therapy isn't a requirement for staying in the Smart Zone I think the following is worth revealing. Here are some truths I give people when I see them in marital therapy and a few tips Will and Kate might appreciate on the eve of their wedding.

  1. Always go to bed angry. I believe it's a myth that you should always make up with your spouse before going to bed. You are tired at bedtime and trying to settle a dispute when you are tired is futile. Plus, sleep is a great stress reducer. I say, "Go to bed - you're tired!"

  2. Fighting is a good sign. One indication that couples are in trouble is when they aren't engaged or talking to each another. Indifference to each other tells me a marriage is in big trouble. At least couples who are fighting are interacting. Couples who care enough to fight still care about each other.

  3. Communication isn't the most important thing. Talking about your feelings and making "I" statements doesn't solve problems. What's more important is the way couples respond to each other after an argument in order to build your relationship and make it stronger.

  4. Don't try to resolve issues. Some issues just aren't resolvable. For example, Easter and Passover were in April this year. Fighting over different spiritual beliefs is not a resolvable issue. Repairing your relationship should be the focus. Acknowledge that your differences exist in a satisfactory way rather than trying to get your spouse to see your point of view at the expense of the relationship.

  5. Every marriage is saveable. Both people have to be committed and it will be a lot of work. But it’s worth repeating that – every marriage is saveable.

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